Eulogy from Rabbi Adam Feldman

Eulogy for Mel Silberman

Moshe Aryeh Leib ben Yoel v’Elka

February 21^st, 2010

Eloheinu v’Elohei Avoteinu – Our God and God of our Ancestors, a thousand years in Your sight are as a passing day, an hour of night. Our generations come and go, while You endure forever. We are always in Your hand, O God, in death as in life, trusting in Your love and in Your judgment. O merciful God, strengthen all of us who mourn the loss of Dr. Mel Silberman, especially his dear family; his wife Shoshana, his children Shmuel and Sarah, Lisa and Daniel, Gabe, the dear grandchildren Noam, Jonah, Yaakov, Adira, Meir and Chana; to Mel’s brother Al and sister in law Jane. Help them to look beyond this moment, help them to realize that death cannot destroy the bonds that were created during their years with Mel. Help them to understand that death may end life but it will never end the relationship that they had with Mel, the special bond that each of them felt. May their lives together help to sustain them and add to the blessing which is theirs because Mel Silberman lived. In the valley of the shadow of death, beside the still waters and in the green pastures, You, O Lord, are our Shepherd. Be our strength and our shield, our stay and our comfort throughout all our days as we all say Amen.

We are gathered here in this sanctuary today to mourn the passing of Moshe Aryeh Leib ben Yoel v’Elka, of Mel Silberman, a man who was a loving husband and brother, a caring father, grandfather and uncle, a great teacher and pioneer in the field of Educational Psychology, a trainer and advisor to so many through his professional life and his personal life, a man who was known nationally and internationally for his classes and workshops that he facilitated for so many institutions and organizations, a great author and deep thinker, a proud Jew and a man who loved to sing and who loved to daven in this synagogue, a man who loved to travel and learn about the history and culture of every place he could, a man who touched people’s lives in a beautiful and unique way, a man who loved being an Abba and truly mastered being a Sabba, a man who demonstrated incredible inner strength and a man who fought a battle with cancer for 13 years, probably at least a decade longer than anyone thought possible, a man who knew how to enjoy life, a leader in this community and every community in which he lived, a man who cared so much about others and a man who had a great impact on everyone who knew him, an extraordinary human being – a real mensch. Our hearts are filled with great sadness today for a noble soul has been taken from our midst.

How do we find the words to summarize the life of this courageous man? Well, first we bring our own thoughts, our own associations and our own memories. To this we add the words that will be spoken today and in the end – we hope we will do justice to the memory of someone so adored who will be missed by his dear family, this community, communities in Boston and Montclair, Philadelphia and Ocean Grove, his friends and dear students who were all touched by Mel in a personal way. We are here today to pay tribute to Mel, to mark his passing and also to celebrate his life and honor his legacy.

Mel Silberman was born in Orange, NJ. He and his older brother Al, were the sons of Jules and Elsie, who raised their sons with simple piety and good values. They always emphasized the importance of a good education and to feel a close connection to the Jewish community, two things that Mel felt his entire life. Mel was a natural leader and was able to display these qualities as a teenager through his involvement in United Synagogue Youth where he served as a Regional and National officer. It was during his High School days that he met Shoshana, and for over 50 years, they have been partners, soul mates, mentors, incredible friends, husband and wife and an example to all others of a wonderful couple.

Mel attended Brandeis University, a place that gave him a great education, a place to deepen his connection to the Jewish people and an opportunity to develop more leadership skills as the President of the Brandeis Hillel. In addition to the times he spent learning during college, Mel also made time to teach and mentor others including the summers he spent working as a counselor at Camp Ramah with future Rabbis and Cantors in his bunk. Mel received a Master’s Degree and earned his PhD from the University of Chicago and began his professional life in the field of Educational Psychology teaching for many years at Temple University in Philadelphia. One of his proudest moments was when he received the “Great Teacher Award” from Temple University in 2000. His ambition and drive helped him to succeed in the classroom as well as in his writing through the countless books, articles, curricula, research assignments, grants and presentations over the years. A recent count included over 100 professional organizations that benefitted from Mel’s talents and expertise and his unique emphasis on active training including major Jewish and secular organizations.

In addition to his passion for teaching, Mel also had a passion for life and he knew how to enjoy life in so many ways. He loved music – being equally comfortable at an opera or a Grateful Dead concert. He loved Mozart and a Carlebach nigun. He loved to play golf and watch a wonderful dance recital. But of all the things that Mel excelled at, what he did best was to connect with people. He loved to listen to people tell their story and learn from others. He had a unique ability to help people share their experiences with him and see the challenge that were presented. He loved to study in hevrutah and so many of us have benefitted from being his study partner. Among his students in his life were a number of Rabbis, including myself who will always connect Parashat Yitro to Mel because of the technique he taught me as I prepared a sermon on that Parasha, Rabbi Annie Tucker who also cherished the time she has spent with Mel in their years together in Princeton, as well as Rabbi Dov Peretz Elkins, the Rabbi Emeritus of The Jewish Center and dear friend of Mel and Shoshana’s for over 30 years. Since Mel’s passing yesterday, Rabbis that knew Mel and loved him have been in touch with me and the family to express their condolences and to comment on the impact Mel had on their lives. Mel’s was a life of relationships, because he was a people person and he loved the intimacy he had with so many people in his life, during the years in Germantown, in Princeton and in Ocean Grove.

Yesterday morning, after Mel passed away, I had the very difficult challenge of announcing his passing to this congregation from this bimah during our Shabbat morning service. I did so at the point in our service when we recite the Mi Sheberach prayer, the prayer for healing that is recited in the name of everyone in our community and anyone in our extended family that is need of healing. As I mentioned to this congregation yesterday, for the past 13 years, Mel’s name has been included each and every time we recited that prayer. For 13 years, this congregation, whether it be here in the Sanctuary or in the Havurah Minyan, whether it be in Boston or in Montclair, or where ever any of us have prayed for these years, we always included his name Moshe Aryeh Leib ben Yoel v’ Elkah, and it will be difficult for many of us to reach that point in the service and not hear his name. As I walked back from spending time with Shoshana yesterday, I had an opportunity to reflect more on Mel’s name – Moshe Aryeh Leib – a name that he was very proud of. Mel is a great example of the Rabbinic adage, kshmo kein hu – He is like his name because each one of Mel’s names was a wonderful description of his character and his life.

Moshe – As all students of Torah know, Moshe Rabeinu, Moses our teacher, was great teacher, a great leader and proud Jew. He was humbled by the choice God made in selecting him to lead the people and in fact he is described by the Rabbis as the most humble man in history. I think we could say many of those same things about our Moshe, our Moshe Rabeinu, our teacher Mel Silberman – a great man, a great leader and a great teacher.

In a prayer we recite every Shabbat, the siddur tells us, yismach Moshe B’matnat Helko – Ki eved ne’eman Karata Lo – Moshe rejoiced at the gift of his destiny when You, O God declared him a faithful servant. Our Moshe, was a faithful servant, a proud Jew, a man who loved to both study and teach Jewish texts, a man who loved to daven and did so beautifully on Shabbat and on Holidays. A man who was a faithful servant to God and the Jewish People.

At the end of his life, the Torah describes Moshe’s relationship with God by saying he knew God Panim el Panim – he knew God face to face. Not only do I believe that Mel had a personal, face-to-face relationship with God, but I also know that Mel was able to know the people in his life, face-to-face, on a personal, emotional level, never looking down at someone but seeing everyone on the same level, accepting people for who they are and looking into their eyes, so that he could see them face to face.

There is a classic Rabbinic phrase that was once said about a different Moshe but I believe it applies to this Moshe as well – Me Moshe L’ Moshe Ein K’Moshe – From Moshe to Moshe there is none like this Moshe. This is certainly true about Moshe Aryeh Leib ben Yoel v’Elka.

Aryeh – Mel was a lion – a fighter – a strong man both in terms of his physical strength as well as his inner strength and his strong convictions. For centuries, the lion has been seen as a symbol of the Jewish people because of our ability to face challenges and fight for our survival. I do not know if there ever was an Aryeh that fought the way that Mel Silberman fought for these past 13 years. When Mel was first diagnosed with Stage Four Metastatic Lung Cancer, no one expected him to be alive this long. His courage, fortitude and altruism led him to participate in a clinical antibody trial shortly after his diagnosis. During these years, Mel saw himself in partnership with his doctors and one of his doctors told me that Mel was always able to understand what was happening because he had an uncanny capacity to intellectualize and compartmentalize his cancer, breaking it down matter-of-factly into its component parts as if it were some endless ever-morphing puzzle that required periodic attention, but never obsession. He never let the cancer define his life, and he never really emotionalized over his condition which enabled him to cope, and proceed forward whenever he encountered another roadblock. So many people have said over the years that his courage and tenacity are unparalleled. The example that Mel was, his tenacity in his battle with cancer for these 13 years, gave so many others, family members and dear friends, inspiration and encouragement as they faced their own personal struggles.

Mel’s strength and drive helped him and Shoshana celebrate every milestone over the years including the very special celebration just one week ago. It was the Bar Mitzvah celebration – 13 years since Mel’s diagnosis, and they celebrated in their home, with the members of the Havurah, davening and singing and coming together to be with Mel – and what a celebration it was, an emotional day yet an extraordinary day, especially when Mel came to the top of the steps to see everyone, to hear everyone singing to him and with him, thanking God for the time they have together, for the gifts in our lives and for sacred relationships.

Leib – Leib has many meanings including the word heart and Mel Silberman had an incredible heart, a very strong heart and a heart that was able to love and feel emotions and to connect to others. Mel had so many people in his life that touched his heart and who gave him strength to continue to fight. He touched the heart of every student or colleague who learned from him. He touched the heart of his care givers in the hospital, at rehab, the hospice nurses and aids. And he touched the heart of his dear family who now feel as if there heart has been broken. All the people in Mel’s life helped to strengthen Mel’s heart so that he was able to fight for so long, until his heart was not able to fight any more. For the past few weeks, since Shoshana brought Mel home, they have been surrounded by their family and dear friends. There has been an outpouring of love and care for each of them and I know they both felt that love in their hearts. During these days, the family has been by Mel’s side. His brother Al and sister in law Jane came to see him. Shoshana, the children and grandchildren have sat with him, fed him, sang with him and crawled into bed with him, to demonstrate their love, and to bring their hearts as close to Mel’s as they could. Mel had an opportunity to be with each of his children and grandchildren, to talk to them, to listen to them and to bless them, moments that will stay with this family for years to come. Until yesterday morning, when Mel passed away, in his home, holding Shoshana’s hand, on Shabbat, the end of his journey, he is now at rest.

They say that life is a book, one chapter ends and the next one begins. The life of Mel Silberman, the life of Moshe Aryeh Leib ben Yoel v’Elkah, was an incredible book, a wonderful story, page after page, filled with lessons and messages, narratives and memories, that will continue to be told for years to come. He touched so many lives during his time on this earth, his students and his friends, his health care professionals and his family, all of us were touched by Mel in countless ways.

Shoshana, Shumel and Sara, Lisa and Daniel, Gabe, Noam, Jonah, Yaakov, Adira, Meir and Chana; to Al and Jane, our heart goes out to you, as you face the challenge of Mel’s passing, of how to continue on without him as you take the lessons he taught you for now and for the rest of your lives. Please know that we are here for you, whatever we can do, in each of your communities as we understand that Mel’s life ends, but his example continues, his legacy survives.